Maybe Anxiety Sucks a Little Bit… A $30 Case Study
Recently, my husband donated about 50 books we wanted out of our house. And I should be happy, because, and let me shout this from the rooftops, I. HATE. STUFF. Goodwilling the books is a wonderful way to give back and get rid of the materials we don’t want or need anymore. I’m normally all for it, but not this time. The plan for those books was to take them to Half Price Books, wander the store while they were being processed, and make about $30 off of them. Definitely not something that would make or break the bank, but the money we make off of books goes into a date fund. And I was looking forward to using that money to watch Avengers: End Game.
Normally, this would be a mild inconvenience, something I could shake off and say, “Hey, we’ll take the next round of books in.” Except, that this was the last haul we’ll have for a while. We have culled and culled and culled until all the books we own are ones we a) read often, b) recommend often or c) utilize for projects. Our bookshelf no longer postures who we want to be, but reflects who we are. And there is no more culling we can do. At least for now. That was the last of it. And, I went out of my way to pick up some free books someone was getting rid of because they were moving to add to the stack because I really, really wanted to see that movie. They were in good condition, relatively recently written, and would probably be worth more than the stack of classics we had ready to go out the door.
Guys, my husband is amazing. He accidentally goodwilled a crap ton of books that I was going to sell, which on a good day, wouldn’t have been a big deal, but my anxiety was sitting at a 7, and so I basically had a mental breakdown…
— Moriah Joy (@morjoysol2615) May 6, 2019
It was a little thing. A tiny thing. Thirty dollars is not going to make or break the bank. Well, unless you’re on the cusp of broke. Then it could bring your bank account from red to black, or feed your family. But for us, $30 is not enough to throw a tantrum. But there I was, in the middle of the day, screaming into the void of my head because we were out $30. A tiny, measly $30. Because I wanted to see a movie.
And it wasn’t quite anger. It was a lack of control. My husband and I talk and talk and talk about what we’re going to be doing with things. Our money, our time, our resources. But ultimately, I wasn’t able to make the final say with what happened to the books. And that freaked me out. In a heavy, severe, let me go outside and gasp for breath for a good solid minute, kind of way.
Anxiety is a bear. It’s ugly and raucous and shows its head in very inconvenient places. And there’s not much I can do in the moment. There are breathing techniques and grounding exercises and tools I use. But it doesn’t mean that my anxiety vanishes in that moment. Sometimes, no matter what I do, I can’t shake it, and I must ride the roller coaster that I didn’t want to be on in the first place.
Yes, I am that kid…
Thankfully, I was able to pin it pretty quick (if you call 20 minutes of typing and deleting and typing and sending and then revising what you sent before you actually figured it out fast) that I’m not actually mad at my husband for getting rid of the books from our house, but rather the world is out of my control and that’s very scary and I don’t like this feeling. And then I was able to voice that to my husband. I was mad. And I expressed the anger to him. We did, in fact, discuss taking those books to the store to sell before he donated them. Not only had we discussed it, but we agreed upon it. But I also let him know where the bulk of my anger was coming from. He listened. And said I’m sorry.
And then his next text surprised me. He had all the books.
over like $30 which was, not pretty… (Granted, that $30 was going to fund Avengers: End Game + snacks, but still, not pretty). But it was what it was, sometimes anxiety just isn’t a friend… Unbeknownst to me, however, husband went BACK to goodwill, pleaded for the books…
— Moriah Joy (@morjoysol2615) May 6, 2019
Plus extra ones.
The employees gave him back ALL THE BOOKS he had given them PLUS like 15-20 extra that they didn’t want to deal with… And now he’s going to the bookseller place and getting our money for the movie.
That’s something I wouldn’t have even THOUGHT of doing. But he did…
— Moriah Joy (@morjoysol2615) May 6, 2019
Because that’s what you do to someone with anxiety. We have to be open, and honest first. But then they have to be receptive back. In this case, he did something that, if I had been with him, I would have encouraged him NOT to do, because it was too much social pressure to admit we made a mistake. But I wasn’t with him, and he didn’t tell me until after the fact because he knew he could rectify his mistake. And in an instant, we had our $30 back.
This is what love looks like. It looks like flipping out over the little things and having those little things taken care of. It doesn’t always work out that way, marriage, anxiety, and money are always a process. But when it does, those little glimpses of “Hey, we’re human, and that’s okay” make it a little easier.
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I love your honesty here. And what a gem of a husband to go and do that for you! I hope you got your movie bucks!
Thanks. And YUP! Hubby was great for doing what he did AND we made $25 off the books and got to see the movie. It’s a win/win all things considering.
Wow. That is awesome. Not only did you mindfully process what happened and think it through before, and while, discussing it. He didn’t get defensive or angry at you, but instead, processed, SAW YOU, and followed through. I mean, what a connection / relationship there. Giving and seeing and receiving and being seen. 100% awesome.
I keep reading about the importance of connection over everything else. It’s so easy, all the time, to withdraw or develop a conflict. The moments of connection – “I hear you, I see you, I understand you” – make an enormous difference in relationship and in life. I’m working on it myself. Good on you guys, both for getting it and for sharing it.
That connection is SOOO important. Especially in moments when my world feels unsettled! And I’m learning not to withdraw too. Sometimes it’s difficult, so I won’t say I’m amazing. But glad we’re a work in progress!
It’s great that he went back and asked for the books. I hope you enjoyed Endgame. As for anxiety… Yeah, the world is out of our control, and it sucks. Every time I hear the latest about global warming effects or about a new scary disease (or think about the zombie apocalypse), my stomach turns inside out and I suddenly feel a loss of sense of control, a certainty that everything is going to go horribly wrong and just general terror. I have to breathe and tell myself to calm down (and that zombies aren’t real… yet) and that, no, I can’t control any of that. All I can do is try to exist and not assume/expect the worst because it (probably) won’t happen. Except for global warming. Yeah we’re screwed on that.
Endgame was really good! We actually saw it twice in theatres (gasp at the unfrugality of it all. ????????).
As for the world going to pot, I’m an anxious climate critter here. And I just try not to think about it to much… But yeah, lots of deep breathing. And I know I’d be doomed if zombies came, so feel free to use me as bait for them! ????????.
So this is timely! I sort of flipped out over Mr. Mod not putting away dishes a few hours ago, and though the flip out was short and mild, it was still more than just the dishes and we haven’t really talked about it yet since it’s evening routine time with the kids. I 100% know that my flip out is an accumulation of things that have my anxiety on edge.
This lack of control, feeling that there are so many things I want to get done but not enough time. Your post puts things into perspective and I’m at a better place for when we do get a chance to sit down and discuss it so thank you for this. We are indeed only human!
This makes my heart so happy to hear. ❤❤❤
Anxiety makes relationships so much harder, but I’m learning to recognize it when it overwhelms my senses and brings me down to primal, rather than nuanced, emotions.
I hope the talk with the hubby goes well!!