Cobbling together hope in a time of uncertainty
I have been working remotely since March 11th for the political campaign I’m working on, and I’ve been on catastrophe pay with Starbucks since March 20th. I go back to the store on May 4th. So I have a few more days in this weird middle place.
The first days of social distancing, I subconsciously thought it would be over soon. So I didn’t pace myself. By week two, I was a puddle of tears on our pantry floor because we didn’t have chicken alfredo. Not a food I eat consistently, but one I was craving, and I couldn’t go get it. The scene was not pretty. I’ll spare you the details.
Since then, I’ve been trying to check in with myself and hold the uncertainty close. Has it been successful? I’m not sure; the results have been a mixed bag. But I’m trying to find a space in between.
I’ve pushed myself harder at work, only to burn out and fall off the face of the planet for a few days. Now, I have a schedule and take time to exercise at least some of the days I work.
I’ve worked tirelessly to create in the only ways I know how – baking, sewing, writing. But very few of my projects have turned out well. I have a half sewn dress sitting on my mannequin waiting for me to finish her. The jury’s still out on whether or not I will. (don’t worry, Mom, I will).
But I’m coming out of this first full month of shelter-in-place knowing myself better.
The first few weeks were a blur of t.v. and depression. I can’t really recall them. Except that I watched all of Veronica Mars in a matter of days. And I was nothing but angry. I was blaming everyone else for things that normally wouldn’t bother me. And then I was angry at myself for that.
Then I realized.
This is a pandemic. This is traumatic.
And it was like I was able to give myself permission to notice the anger, but not judge it. I noticed the depression. But I didn’t judge it. I meditated. Once.
I spent time, quality time, with my family. I’m pretty sure I bug my mom with conversation now more than I did when I was a child.
And my siblings and I make a point to tease each other. It’s a weird space to be, stuffed together in the same house, almost like we were collectively grounded. But we’re mostly laughing. And when I’m too annoying, my brothers spend their day on a bike.
We all get the escape we need that way.
And then I jimmied together a schedule and started meeting deadlines. It wasn’t perfect. My sleep hygiene is still crap. But I’m remembering to take showers again.
Managing my time was the key out of my spiral. And there were huge ripple effects.
I wrote four freelance articles – and I got PAID to write them – and I started adding hours as a virtual assistant. I advocated my way from an internship to paid staff. And then I built an internship program from scratch. I manage 10 interns now. And I’m crushing it! (Or that’s what I would say if I were a mediocre white man – most of the time I’m worried I’m doing it wrong).
I went from making $800 a month at Starbucks to cobbling together a living between Starbucks, the campaign, freelance writing, virtual assistant work, and tutoring. To be honest. $2,500 a month still doesn’t feel like enough. But it’s a beginning. And my partner is working full time and bringing in a stable income to offset my low months.
We started to replenish our emergency fund with the government stimulus check (although we’re taking $250 of it to a food bank). And between the extra work I’ve taken on and the raise I got, we’re less than $500 away from $10,000 in the bank. We should get that next month.
I can almost breathe again.
I’m still worried about the virus. And concerned about the looming recession. And struggling to sleep because stress triggers PTSD. I’m still paralized with intrusive thoughts. It isn’t rainbows and sunshine.
But I’m starting to stop and smell the roses. I’m starting to take walks and listen to the birds sing. I’m starting to smile again.
Curiosity is peeking through the pain. And there maybe be something okay with the world again. Maybe.
I’m starting to cobble together hope in a time of uncertainty.
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Wow, you are doing great things in this crazy time! Picking up work and managing interns. I’ve managed a few interns and it’s honestly one of the most rewarding parts of my job I thought. They can learn and grow so much and you can really make an impact on their career. I’m still in touch with a couple of them and love seeing them get promotions and make a bigger difference. I hope it’s a great experience for you!
-Rox
I love managing interns! It’s honestly one of the best things I’ve ever had the chance of experiencing.
I’d definitely do it again if I had the chance.
Stay safe at Starbucks!
I’ve just felt ALL the emotions at once because we have been paddling like hell to keep up with work and parenting and stuff and that has not been anything like fun either. And that’s with our situations being relatively really good. We’ll get through this hugs
Starbucks has me so worried. But They’re providing masks and gloves and things.
We’ve been feeling ALL the emotions too. It’s so stressful. But we will get through this. Maybe not entirely as well as we would have liked, but we will.
Glad a schedule/routine is helping. I guess that’s true here too? Mom and I work during the day — her on freelance stuff, me on my job — then binge-watch shows at night. Tonight we start a puzzle. Which is how you know things are desperate.
Take care of yourself and please stay as safe now that you’re back at Starbucks!
Me too! It was pretty bleak there for a while. But I’m finally feeling a bit more on top of things and functioning a bit better. My first day back at Starbucks is tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.
Excellent post! I appreciate your honesty and openness. This pandemic is hard on us all, and keeping a routine and managing time is a must for everyone. It sure keeps my sanity.
Just to update you, my son-in-law is working full time at an Amazon fulfillment center in Fort Worth, so he and my daughter are on their way to getting their feet on the ground, too. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Sounds like you are keeping busy and doing well through all this. All the best to you.
~B-
I’m so glad that you’re family is getting their feet on the ground well! I was furloughed for a month from Starbucks, but I go back to work tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m hustling like crazy, and my husband is working at a direct care facility, so we’re doing okay too.