An Ode to the Mess, or Why I Need to Ignore the Jones’
If the last two months have taught me anything, I am a much better debt crusher than wealth builder. I’m excellent at spending money. A little purchase here, another one there. When we were redirecting all of our potential wealth to my loans, I felt like we were making progress. We eliminated huge chunks of debt in short spans of time, and I was on top of the world. I enjoyed the shock an awe of slashing $1,000 of debt at a time.
Now the pace slowed, and I’m not so laser focused, it’s harder to balance out my goals. How exactly does one laser focus on six things at once? The short answer, you can’t. And I’m still finding my new normal, but I’m floundering, buying things when we should be saving, and fretting about never having enough in the bank.
They’re not frivolous purchases. I found a $60 pan for $15 at goodwill still in its wrapper. And I scored a $50 storage stool for $12 that matches my sewing corner. We desperately need the piece piece since my craft bags are overflowing. Both of those things will help in our life, but they’re not necessary. But they make me feel like I’m doing something to be put together.
It fulfills a message that I learned about myself ever since I was little. That at some level, women are homemakers. That we take care of things, that we put things together. And I do. And I do it well. My husband, thankfully, contributes equitably to the household. I work more, so he cleans more. But if someone were to walk into my home, they would inevitably judge me, and not him, for the state of cleanliness.
And that’s a burden I’m trying to unlearn. Somewhere along the line, I learned that when a friend comes over, even if you’ve been cleaning for hours, the first words out of your mouth are “Hi, so good to see you. Sorry about the mess.” The words are second nature to me, a friend closer than the ones coming over.
My friends, most of the time women, are generous. “It’s not a mess at all, you should see my place.” We all know the script that that little bit. Lines from our favorite script we memorized. The self degrading ritual of housewarming is second nature to us. We’re not really sorry, but we excuse the mess and fraternize anyway. But sometimes, men more often than not, miss the bit. They take our greeting seriously and reply, “I can see that.” They look down on the effort I didn’t put into their arrival. And that bites. Because my house isn’t really for their entertainment. It’s for my comfort.
I’m not sure when I started saying that, or internalizing this message that the home, the place I care for with my blood, sweat, and tears is something I should be ashamed of. That I should hide the knick-knacks and random books and piles of fabric calling for a project that I call home. That I should tuck away all its scars and blemishes and present a perfect little shadow of my happy place.
Part of me clamors for that minimalist Instagram aesthetic. At the beginning of my blog, I attempted to write as a minimalist personal finance blogger. I have a whole series that I never posted entitled “Using a Move to Embrace Minimalism”. Living with nothing worked for a bit, but the clutter came back, and if I’m honest, I love it. I buy things that are important to me, and things that bring me joy. Our house is not always clean, but we live surrounded by things that make us happy, even when they’re out of place.
But some of it, some of the clutter that comes into my home comes from more nefarious means. It stems from a narrative that I’m somehow not good enough, and that I need to curate my space better. Those little nagging voices, the ones that see and disdain the clutter, the ones that don’t understand the remnants of American housewife culture left over from generations past, they haunt me.
They are the reminder that while I’m proud of our little apartment, while I’ve spent time and money and energy caring for it, while I’ve fixed vacuums for it, it’s not enough for some people. That the cultural shame I have about not living in a McMansion with a housemaid is justified.
And my spending sometimes reflects that, especially on bad days, when I feel overwhelmed.
I’m very excited about that $60 pan. We’ve been needing another one, and it’s red, to match the rest of my kitchen wares. It’s basically the perfect addition. But did I buy it because we needed it? Or did I buy it because I felt our home lacked and needed to posture some way to make up for it?
And the sewing box. It’s teal which will match our sewing chairs and other boxes I’ve collected through Facebook Marketplace. I saw it and thought it was lovely, and practical. It even has a side pocket for quilting magazines! I know exactly where to store it, and how to make it look like I bought everything together. But there’s still a haunting feeling that I’m decorating my house, not just because I love it, but also because I’m fulfilling this societal role of not quite good enough homemaker.
When we were laser focused on debt repayment, it was easy to ignore the impulse purchases. If I buy this, I can’t contribute this much extra to my student loans this month. When people judged my home, I could tout crazy numbers and impress them with my ability to bring down the house with my debt repayment strategies. I was a little bit like a superhero among my friends.
But now that we’ve eased off, I’ve relaxed my approach, we still live in a tiny little apartment. But I can’t externally justify it anymore. It’s not cool, or hip, to be living in tight quarters unless there’s a dire financial reason to do so. But we still are, and I love the quarters, but I notice the keeping up with the Jones’ pressure more now.
Pressure to run the air conditioner lower than we would otherwise, pressure to make sure everything is more perfect and pristine, pressure to buy the right groceries. It comes from a place of misguided love, I think, these judgements, because people who judge want better for us, and are confused by our standard of living. But instead, I’m left feeling like my good isn’t good enough, and apologizing over a home I really, truly do enjoy.
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I keep meaning to write about my messy home one of these days. After reading this, I really, really think I need to get around to it. I can relate to so much of this.
Though, if I’m perfectly honest, I do wish our home was cleaner. But I prioritize other things more. So it is what it is.
Oooh, please write about your lovely house and all it’s wonderful clutter. 🙂
Yep, I wish our house was cleaner. Which is why I think I apologize (even though I’m trying to do so less)… it’s not always to the person. It’s me acknowledging to myself that I didn’t get everything I wanted to done :-/ But, I prioritize other things (doggo, side hustling, dinner with hubby) more… and the house doesn’t always get done. I totally understand!
Yep, exactly. I say I want it cleaner… but my priorities clearly show it’s not high enough on my list ????
That was a hard lesson for me to learn. That I could do anything, but not everything, and saying I didn’t have enough time really just meant I’m not prioritizing this. Haha.
Luckily, I’ve never had a guy say, “I can see that.” when I apologize for clutter or mess. Then again, I do my best to clean up and if it’s not good enough for some people… Meh. Of course, I have chronic fatigue, so I decided it was easier to stop caring about mopping my floors than to waste good energy (and encourage potential back trouble) using a Wet Swiffer for anything more than a spot clean.
I tidy up as best I can and I’m pleased with the effort I make, so I don’t feel the need to apologize. Sometimes I feel a little anxious when I have guests over, but by and large I manage a decent enough clean. (Then again, it’s also a lot less cluttered with just one person living here now, and I have more space than you do.)
I tend to think of clutter as cozy, and I’m sure your friends do too. If not, they’d better be good enough friends to keep it to themselves.
Chronic fatigue is a huge issue. I feel that so hard. This week, especially, has been rough. I’m having to choose between exercising and cleaning the house. And my spirit feels a little overwhelmed with everything right now.
But we haven’t had people over (or, people who would be put off by a messy house), and that’s helped. I also sat my husband down and was like, we need to reshift responsibilities because I’m taking on too much right now. Thankfully, I have a partner who’s willing to have that conversation with me. I get the feeling that you weren’t so lucky with your ex (and if so, good riddance. You’re rocking life right now!).
“we live surrounded by things that make us happy, even when they’re out of place. ” This is a whole mood. I am the packrat / junkie friend with ordered chaos around me most of the time.I tried the minimalism thing and failed. I’m okay with that because I like my things and the small comforts they bring. The sooner we realize it’s okay not to have this cookie cutter, neat life if it isn’t for us the better off we’ll be.
I am coming to terms with my little pack rat self, haha. I’m careful with what I bring into the house, normally. We don’t take in things that don’t bring us joy (so our wardrobe hasn’t been updated in months, but I’m always on the hunt for fun kitchen supplies and crafting pieces). And I think that’s been helpful. My house is brimming with things I love and use. And that’s okay.
There are many wonderful and positive aspects of the personal finance and FI communities. However, this concept of “guilt” that I see continually raised is not one of them. It is very easy to cast moral judgments about spending habits and financial choices, especially when we direct such judgments at ourselves. We read an article gushing about minimalism, and then feel like a failure when our purchasing choices aren’t up to par. It could do us all some good to remember to keep practicing self love, and be a little kinder to ourselves. Everyone’s journey is going to be different, though it’s wonderful that you’ve been experimenting. If you tried out a truly minimalist lifestyle and it wasn’t for you, then great! If you think that sewing box is just what you needed, fantastic! Only you know what will bring you and your husband the greatest level of happiness, and to heck with society’s standards for how to get there.
Yes, guilt is a huge part of the conversation unfortunately. But I think, I want to start flipping the conversation on head. Because you’re absolutely right, we need to be practicing self care and self love.
I cannot believe someone would actually reply “I can see that”!!! That burns me up. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of or apologize for your own home, messy or pristine or anywhere in between.
I don’t apologize for our place whether or not we’ve cleaned, whether or not I’ve put any effort in, because you know what? We live here. It’s not a museum, it’s our home that houses two adults, one tornado-child, and two REALLY FURRY DOGS. It’s going to be what it is, any given day. No apologies. Hell, there was a time we had a kid and still had a clean house – we caught the bizarre judgement that it didn’t look like a kid lived there. … so??
Our standard of living is ours, we’re not imposing it on anyone else. No judgement!
Right?! I basically decided they weren’t coming over for extended stays last minute. EVER. I think after that though, I’m not going to apologize… which I think is what I was figuring out when I wrote this. I love our very cluttered, creative house. And some days I wish we were minimalists, but my cozy corners wouldn’t be full, and the place would feel lacking.
I know how you feel, but having a toddler and another on the way has cured me of that. I am the homemaker so it is on me, and I work to make the house nice when we have company over, but I don’t worry about hiding the fact that two busy adults and an active toddler live here. I sometimes wish we could just throw half our possessions away (I’m sure we wouldn’t miss it) but you can only do so much. I haven’t met many men willing to comment on the state of the house, most I meet don’t even notice. But having other women over, and the pressure of being a stay at home mom (so what else do I do all day right?) and still not having the perfectly kept home drives me a little crazy.
Ooof, yeah, the pressure on stay at home moms to keep things tidy and wonderful and perfect is insane. I haven’t stepped into that world, so I can’t know intimately the pressure. But it’s always frustrating when someone casts their priorities and values onto you, especially when you value something else. (IE, you’d rather hang with a kiddo than scrub the tops of bookcases for dust.).
It feels like you read my mind. I too struggle with the pressure of keeping up with the Jones’. One day talking with my sister-in-law she mentioned mutual friends that had the picture perfect home, clothes, hair, etc, and their credit cards were maxed out to have the perfect look. I think that gave me a new perspective on my lived in, loved house. I will still clean like a mad woman for a party or guests, but I love my house that is comfortable for me and my family. Keep setting your own priorities and don’t worry about what the rest of us think. You’re doing great.
EEP! I could not imagine racking up CC debt to keep a perfect look. Using them strategically to travel hack or pay for dental work, that’s one thing. But going into debt to keep up with the Jones’, I’ll take my cluttered house, and then clean like mad for a party for sure!
This is a very relatable post. I can’t believe you have a whole series you’ve never posted! I want to read “Using a Move to Embrace Minimalism.” That sounds interesting.
As for me, my house has literally blown up into toys and books while having a little one this past year. I’m not sure when it will go back to “normal” – which still wasn’t that great. I see all of these moms with Youtube channels and MY MIND IS BLOWN. I don’t know when I would be confident enough to start a Youtube channel now. If I didn’t have the confidence before… I highly doubt it’s going to sneak up on me now!
I know! I wrote it but was honestly too busy to post it, and then it was too late. Haha.
I’m thinking of maybe revamping the series when we move again, but it’s probably have a much different feel to it, especially since my writing evolved, and the move to TX is much different than the move from one CA town to another.
And YES! Moms with Youtube channels are incredible. But you’re also incredible, so if you want to start one, I say you should. 😉
I can so resonate with the pressure to have a home that confirms to traditional tidiness standards or is clutter-free. My husband and I have to work together and compromise, as he is much more of a neatnik than I. I love that you are embracing your enjoyment of some amount of clutter. Don’t try to fit into some ideal of minimalism or perfect homemaking; you do you!
I find your comments on the outdated societal expectations of women so interesting. You’re right that all that pressure usually falls on the woman of the house. And when I go to a friend’s home that is impeccably decorated, it triggers these desires to go purchase stuff to make my house equal in style. And who wants to spend all that money on more stuff when they have more pressing financial and life goals to reach?